Halo2u's Journals

3 bears...The better version..

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you
idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold, early morning air to fetch
the
newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because
I'm
only going to say this once....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

conversation between husband and wife

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again. "

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed. "

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sheet.."

What is Intelligence?

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, Intelligenceâ�™?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Famous Mothers

COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered,
you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to
get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of
there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a
better grade than you."

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair . . .

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."